Thankful for a Love That Doesn’t Change
By Erica Ogden | Set Apart Coaching
I was a grown woman before I learned that love could stay.
Stay when I messed up. Stay when I was a mess. Stay on the days I gave it every reason to leave.
Let me tell you how I found out.
I have thousands of things on my thankful list during the month known for intentional thankfulness, but this one sits at the top: unconditional love.
What would change if you knew, for certain, that nothing you did tomorrow could make you loved any less?
I didn’t know that. For most of my life, I really didn’t. And I’m still learning it.....
What Love Looked Like to Little Me
I want to share something about how I felt as a little girl. This is how it translated to my little kid brain, and I know now it doesn’t have to be the truth. It was just my truth back then.
Growing up, love felt conditional to me. When I did something wrong, it felt like love and compassion were pulled back by people who mattered a lot to me. When I did something right, like bringing home good grades or cleaning the house without being asked, I felt praised and appreciated and treated well.
Somewhere along the way I did the math. Just being me, showing up as myself day in and day out, didn’t feel like enough. It seemed like I had to go over and above to earn love, affection, and attention, and when I wasn’t performing, I felt like I was just in the way.
That belief followed me for years. It got reinforced in my work too. When I did something great, it was shouted from the rooftops. When I showed up consistently and dependably every single day, that was just expected. And I get that many things in life are just expected.
How It Shaped the Way I Saw God
Here’s why I’m telling you this. Carrying these foundational beliefs through life made it really hard for me to understand how Jesus loves.
You hear in church all the time that we build our picture of God from the examples of leadership we grew up with. That was me. I believed God loved me, but if I messed up, I figured the condemnation was coming and I would sit in shame and wait for it. Expecting it.
A healthy fear of the Lord is a good thing. It’s reverence. It’s taking Him seriously. But sitting around waiting for Him to hatefully punish me is not His character.
“The Lord disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in.” (Proverbs 3:12)
Discipline from a Father who delights in you is a completely different thing than punishment from someone waiting for you to slip. I think we forget who God is because we measure Him against the humans in our lives.
Then I Met Patrick
Then I met my husband, Patrick.
He was the first person in my entire life who loved me the same way, day after day. Whatever mistakes I made. However I looked. Whatever I said. Whether I was on my A game or failing at everything, or at least thinking I was, he loved me the same.
It was the first time I got even a glimpse of what God might be like.
That was fifteen years ago, and he is the same man today that he was then. We celebrate our anniversary on November 9th.
I joke all the time that I don’t know how I got lucky enough for God to send him to me. Don’t get me wrong, he can drive me absolutely insane. Listening to that man chew could make me want to have conditional love for him.
But on my worst days he loves me, and on my best days he loves me. I have hurt his feelings. I have said things I didn’t mean. And he shows up the same way, every single day.
Seeing It From the Other Side
It wasn’t until I was an adult that I heard that condemnation comes from the enemy, but conviction comes from God. And it wasn’t until I became a mother that I fully understood unconditional love from the other side.
Because here’s the truth. Even now, when my kids disappoint me, I can catch myself wanting to withdraw. To give a little less love, less affirmation, less attention. To go quiet, even to give the silent treatment.
I’ve always heard that kids need love the most when they deserve it the least, and I have to remind myself of that constantly.
Are we not the same? As children of God?
I know I sure need it the most when I deserve it the least. But God’s definition of “deserving” is so different than ours.
I have to choose what unconditional love actually looks like, again and again.
This Is How God Loves Me
And that is exactly how God loves me. When I fail, and forget His promises, and decide I have to figure life out on my own, as if I could, He patiently lets me fall on my face. Then He helps me up.
He doesn’t force Himself on me. He doesn’t get mean or treat me badly because I should have known better. He loves me right through it.
“But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” (Romans 5:8)
Not after we got it together. While we were still a mess.
So this month, I’m thankful for the unconditional love of the people in my life, and most of all for His. It’s also what I’m learning to show others every day. I want my life to be a visual of Jesus’ love, and honestly, keeping myself in check on that is one of my hardest struggles.
Something to Sit With This Thanksgiving
Who loved you the same on your best day and your worst?
Where have you been pulling love back from someone because they didn’t earn it?
Is there a place where you’ve believed God’s love depends on your performance?
Happy Thanksgiving, sweet friends. I’m so thankful you’re here, and I would LOVE it if you’d leave me a comment below and tell me at least one thing you are most thankful for this month.
With a grateful heart,
Erica Ogden
Certified Neuro Coach | Set Apart Coaching
